This a letter to the person who made me broken.
We have not seen each other in years, though I am sure you have been trying to keep tabs on me. You seem to be much more interested in my life now that you’re not part of it.
Funny enough, it’s through the perspective of others that you wish to see. I would give this to you face to face, but I do not feel like that interaction is necessary right now. And, if I’m being honest, it would not benefit either of us at this point.
The years I spent with you were a nightmare for me, whether I knew it at that time or not. I guess I always knew that ours was not a normal relationship, but being so young I did not see the impact that had on me.
I did not realize to what extent words really could hurt, or how deep the wounds you inflicted went. Didn’t know how much your poison would affect how I saw myself. I had no idea that after you, every relationship I was ever in was so greatly hindered from being what it really could.
The things that happened when I was with you made me a person who did not know how to love.
I could not love myself, and since you did not love me, I must have been incapable of being loved. This truth hurt my friendships, my relationships with family, and my marriage. More importantly, it hurt my relationship with Jesus Christ.
The hurtful things you said about others made me not trust. I was never really able to open up to anyone and trust them because I believed everyone was out to hurt me in some way. I thought the world was against me. No one was on my side. It was up to me to help me, fix me, be there for me. And that’s a big load for someone who feels like they are not lovable, or worthy of anything.
This went on for so many years. Feeling unloved. Unworthy. Feeling broken, sad, and alone.
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved) and raised up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For grace you have been saved through faith, and not that of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” – Ephesians 2:4-9
See, here’s the thing: you can only get so low that there’s nowhere to go but up.
You can only hide your pain from the people around you before it starts to affect everything, because some people actually love, and some people actually care. Most of all, God does love, and He does care.
My relationship with God is not merit based. I cannot fail Him that He will not forgive me. His love for me does not depend on His mood or mine. Jesus gave His life for me regardless of any external circumstances, despite all I’ve done. I cannot be so bad and unlovable that He doesn’t love me. And, what I am learning now, is I cannot do enough good, I cannot be good enough, to make Him love me anymore. When He revealed that to me, all my chains were broken and I was finally free.
You see, I am not writing this to you because I am angry with you.
Nor expecting something.
I am not writing this expecting an apology from you. I know that, when you do read this, you will do so and deep down know I am talking to you, but never admit it to yourself. But I want you to know I forgive you. I forgive you whether you know this is about you or not because forgiving you releases me. Forgiving you releases the years of fear I’ve held onto because I thought you were somehow right. Forgiving you means that Jesus can forgive me.
I forgive you because I know you are a broken person yourself.
And even though I do not desire fellowship with you, I know that I want you to be a whole person. I know you were broken as a child. And as an adult you’ve had to suffer through that, making terrible choices that make your life miserable now. In forgiving you, I am freer than I ever have been. And I hope somehow you knowing I do not hate you makes you stop and think about your life and your choices, and turn to Jesus.
I forgive you because even though I spent many years bound by lies and deceit, I am a whole now, and no more will I buy into those lies. And I’m not regretful for things I’ve endured, I hope I am able to help someone else with their brokenness and pain. Maybe now I can stop making bad decisions out of grief and pain, and be used by God to fulfill His purpose for my life.
I forgive you, and whether you believe it or not, I love you. Through Jesus, I am able to say that and mean it. I hope this helps you, in some way, to be the person you need to be in Him.